Intuitive Healer – Part II

Its been 3 weeks since my one & only session so far with Sharon, the Intuitive Healter and despite having had two further appointments scheduled with her, I’ve cancelled them both. A lot has happened in the last three weeks, I’ve gained some incredible insight into myself from the things that we spoke about and I feel like although I may not have healed physically, on an emotional level I’m in a far better place. I’ve gained incredible understanding on the things we discussed regarding my Mom, I had a major ephiphany regarding my emotions and how I protect myself from the pain of this journey, I’ve managed to gain closure on a very painful experience from a part of my infertility journey and I’ve been AD free for just over a month and feeling really good.

I’m not sure I want to go back to Sharon, I feel like I’ve gotten from it what I needed to get from it, I feel renewed by it and most of all, I feel on some level, relieved and set free from the chains of my miscarriages. Yes, they still hurt and make me sad, but I feel like they will no longer hold me back. I’ve even started considering trying naturally for a baby again which is something I haven’t been willing to do in quite some time. Having somebody acknowledge my babies, call them out by name has lighten my burden tremendously.

So has it been the miracle I needed?? I don’t know! Has it offered me healing? On an emotional level there’s no denying that it has made a huge difference to me. I’m not giving up on this treatment and have no doubt that I will at some point go back to Sharon, but for now, I’m quite keen to give it a go by myself……… or at least till my FET comes around in the next couple of months.

Something Exciting In The Pipeline

About two weeks ago, right in the middle of the night, I suddenly sat bolt up right in bed as the most fabulous idea came like a booming voice out of no where!  For a long time now, I’ve had this notion to start my own business. I just didn’t know what? I truly believe that there is money to be made if one simply has a unique idea and the courage and motivation to set it in motion.

Well courage and motivation I have by the buckets full. So my idea has been put into action and I’m extremely excited! So far, I’ve registered my company name, registered a domain and started creating my contacts. Its going to take a couple of months to get up and running as the initial stages are fairly labour intensive, but I’ve had a fairly good response from the companies and people I’ve been in touch with regarding this idea.

Now I just have to figure out how the hell I go about finding the time for all of this, between my husband, my puppies, my job, my friends, future fertility treatment, mosaicing, blogging & Divine Secrets of Sisterhood as well as my various charitable efforts, my plate is pretty full, but if this idea works (please God) there will indeed (you know me) be a charitable angle on this project/business as well, so I’m really excited, this will be an opportunity to start my own business and perhaps one day not have to work for a boss, I’ll be able to dedicate chunks of my money & time to charity and it all involves a number of my favorite things.

So that’s all I’m willing to say for now, but watch this space!

A Lesson To Share

I have learned many many lessons along this infertility journey, they were all tough and hard and took there toll, but there is one lesson above all others that I have learned that I wish every single infertile out there could learn and learn quickly so that they don’t have to deal with the consequences of this lesson. I’ve blogged about this before, but I feel I need to blog about it over and over and over again in the hope that NOBODY else will have to go through this!

The lesson is this: Our RE’s are human beings and human beings make mistakes! We have the right to question and re-question EVERYTHING they tell us. They are NOT God and if you have an RE with a God complex run, run as fast as your infertile little legs will carry you.

So sorry for those of you who have heard my story before but please bare with me, this is something I feel extremely passionate about, mostly because I’m not the only one who has suffered like this and I probably won’t be the last, but I’m a woman on a mission! For starters, if I could, I’d sue the RE that did this to me, if I thought I could win, I’d sue him for what he put me through, for what he put my beautiful husband through. I’d sue him for stealing the best years of my fertility, I’d sue him for every tear I cried while under his care, I’d sue him for the pregnancies lost while under his care, I’d sue him for every wasted cent spent on 3 IVF’s, on PGD, on IUI’s, on endless rounds of timed & medicated cycles.  If I thought I’d get away with it, I’d even use his name right here, I’d tell you all which clinic he operates from but sadly, he is offered a level of protection that I was never given!

So here goes:

After my 3rd miscarriage, W and I decided that it was time to look into further investigative testing to try and establish the problem. We started doing some research online and via our GP and my Gynae. All of them recommended this clinic, and I was quite pleased to see that they were so prominent in the infertility community, they seemed very popular on the support forums, and featured in a lot of  TV shows & magazine articles on infertility. Off we went for our long awaited first appointment. The further investigative testing involved a few blood tests, a scan and a laproscopy for fibroid removal. We started with our first timed cycle and at the first scan  he slammed on the breaks saying that my follicle had come up on the side where I had a “blocked” fallopian tube and that the cycle was a bust. Well wouldn’t you just know it??? We achieved a chemical pregnancy that cycle, the cycle he said would fail because of my damaged tube. From there followed rounds and rounds and rounds of failed timed cycles, then our first IVG with PGD failed, our second natural IVF got cancelled due to no fertilization, the third IVF failed and a lot of other things that out of respect for my DH’s wishes I will not ever discuss on my blog. At the end of it all, at our follow up session after all the failed cycles, do you know what he told me the issue was???? Egg quality related to life style issues!!!!!

I took a long break after that and during that time, I heard from a friend of mine, who’d also been with this RE and had moved clinics and finally gotten a diagnosis and she was shocked and infuriated with the previous clinic. So off I went to visit this new clinic, Vitalab, I took a copy of my file from the previous clinic with me and they immediately informed me that there were a bunch of tests missing. Get this, I’d never had an HSG before, I’d never had an AHM or FSH test done and we’ve never undergone HLA studies. Duly we went through all the testing and boy oh boy was I shocked. The simplest and most basic of all the test was the HSG, which was never done at my previous clinic, showed SHOCKING results!!! I’ll have to list them because there were so many issues:

1. Uterine scarring – presumably from when my previous RE removed the fibroid as he was the only one who had operated on my uterus.
2. A partial septum – one of the major causes of recurrent miscarriage
3. A uterine polyp – another cause of miscarriages
4. Hydrosalpinges – my hydrosalpinges was so severe that what my previous RE had referred to as a “blocked” tube was in fact a pus filled tube and a major reason for all my treatment failures and miscarriages

So, I spent 4 years at my previous clinic, I spent a small fortune on fertility treatment with them and all the time we had NO CHANCE of success because of all my internal issues, none of which related to “lifestyle” issues as my previous RE had said! I had another laproscopy with Dr G at Vitalab and he repaired all the damage. My first IVF at Vitalab was performed this year and although we never got pregnant from the IVF, the results were astounding in comparison to the IVF’s I’d had at that previous clinic. I had a way higher egg yield and very good egg quality and fabulous embryo quality, all of which grew to blasto stage. The Dr’s at Vitalab all agreed that IVF patients with embryo quality and quantity like mine are few and far between, so so much for “lifestyle” issues.

So the lesson is this: Our RE’s are not God, we have the right to question them, if something seems off, or you’ve spent years at one clinic without success of a diagnosis, get a second opinion. Do NOT make the same mistakes as me, DO NOT accept everything your RE says as the gospel. If you’ve had loads of IVF failures, then question RE as to why he won’t do an HLA study, or check your AMH or FSH levels. And most importantly INSIST on an HSG!!!

Question everything and get a second opinion!

A Glimpse Into Motherhood

What a weekend, I’m exhausted & have some MAJOR separation anxiety this am. This week I got a tiny glimpse into the world of a new mother! And it was exhausted and frightening and I felt pretty much overwhelmed most of the time.

Thank you to everyone who voted on a name for our little boy! The majority vote is exactly what we went with, so our baby boy’s name is Dexter or Dex or Dexie & it suites him to a T! We collected him on Saturday morning, I must say, when we arrived at the breeder I was totally surprised but just how tiny he actually is, the photo’s don’t do his size justice, he’s really really small and weights in at 800g! Nunu!!!! I also got to cuddle Miley for a little bit, she is SO beautiful, the breeders told me that she’s very exotic looking & that loads of people have requested to purchase her, so I’m so glad I’m getting her! They alo say that her eye colour won’t change, so I will have a little green eyed baby girl. Dex is so cute, he looks like Bambi, he’s face is the sweetest.

So after oohing & aahing over all the pups for almost an hour we were finally on our way, with Dex’s little bag of goodies including a blanket, a starter pack of food and a 20 page document with information on raising Chihuahua’s. I never paid too much attention to the paperwork when we got home & totally spoiled Dex on his first day! What a mistake that turned out to be. I carried him everywhere, little everyone snuggle with him and even let him spend his first night curled up in my neck on our bed! Damn, did I start paying the price for that on Sunday morning.

For starters, I read the paperwork which had a long list of do’s & don’t’s, including not allowing other people with pets hold him as he’d only had his first round of vaccinations and wasn’t fully immune to disease! The breeders did mention that all Chihuahua’s are born with a Fontanelle and that his one wasn’t fully closed as yet and would take another two weeks to close completely, so this made me nervous every time my other dog came near him or somebody held him. They also battle with Hyperglycemia so I had to ensure that he ate all his food and they’re also prone to shock and struggle with re-homing anxiety which could bring on shock or hyperglycemia. Reading all of this totally stressed me out, added to that was the fact that I’d totally spoiled my little boy in the first 24 hours he’d spent with us and we had a brat with a totally hysterical mommy on our hands. If he couldn’t see me, he’d start to screech, if he had to walk anywhere he’d cry and he didn’t want to drink any water yesterday morning and this was all during the time that I’d read all the information on my baby Chihuahua! Not much fun! By the time W came home from his morning cycle, both Dexie & I were crying our eyes out!

W was the voice of reason & he read out all the information that the breeder had given us on how to make our babies transition into our home easier. So we started setting up a crate for him, a gigantic box with a section for him to go potty, a section for him to eat and a section for his beddie and all his toys.  The breeders recommend keeping him in the crate in the early days while still trying to get him house trained and also while getting him into a routine of a new home. They also suggest putting him inside the crate during the times he was alone to help him feel secure while he’s still so small.

Dex HATES his crate! Ok, every time I put him in it he screeched his lungs out, it was only after phoning the breeders yesterday morning in tears and having them tell me that he is way tougher than I’m giving him credit and to leave him and let him cry till he gets used to being alone, did I manage to start calming down. Last night was a nightmare, we put him inside his crate inside our bedroom, he cried for TWO HOURS while we watched TV in the room, eventually crying himself to sleep but as soon as we put the TV off the crying started all over again! Eventually W moved him into another room in his crate, he just kept telling me that we had to win this battle otherwise Dexie was never going to get used to being alone. It was awful, I cried and cried and cried while W moved him into the other room, which was set up with a radio playing softly & and small lamp left on for him. I guess he must have cried himself to sleep, but this morning when I went in there he was snuggled up inside his beddie, so I guess he did ok.

Of course, leaving him to come to work this morning was terrible! And I’m feeling very anxious, I can’t wait to go home this evening.

I just keep thinking that if I feel like this over a puppy, imagine how stressful it must be to bring home a baby??? I spoke with my friend Mich yesterday, Mich had a baby on Tuesday, she’d gone home with her new baby on Friday and it was quite funny and sort of sad, to be comparing notes as our experiences, although dealing with totally different types of babies, was so similar!

Anyway, here are some shots of Dexter:

Dexie & Penelope adore each other, he loves snuggling in with her!

 

 

 

 

 

 

He also loves playing inside Penelope’s bed, he carries all his toys into her bed & then plays like a hooligan in there rolling around and biting everything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And he loves taking an afternoon naps snuggled with his mom!

Help??? Cast Your Vote!

So probably as you’re reading this, W & I are on our way or have just collected our new baby boy!  Our precious boy is yet to be named, mostly because W and I are unable to agree on what constitutes a cute name for this precious boy, so here is where you all come in, we’ve narrowed it down to the following names, which one is your favorite?

Convictions

Scene One:

Driving on one of the back highways, past an informal settlement, I see a young man, smartly dressed is his best, running to catch a lift with a back pack on his back. As he runs to catch up with the bakkie that has pulled over for him to jump on the back, two oranges come bouncing out the backpack. Something about this scene made me want to burst into tears, something about how he was enthusiastically running to catch his lift, while his lunch fell out all over the side of the highway almost broke my heart. I just knew that those two oranges had been carefully selected as his lunch for the day, they’d probably been bought at a roadside stall, carefully selected and paid for with the few coins in his pocket.

Scene Two:

I’m driving down one of the side roads near my home, its 08h00 and I’m on my way to work, the road is narrow, with a cobbled drainage path running alongside it, I see an old man hobbling along, with mild cerebral palsy, stumbling along down the road at a snails pace, no doubt on his way to do some “piece work”, he has a shopping bag in his hand with what looks like a loaf of bread in it, something about the way he limps along so slowly yet determinedly on his way to work, dressed in his overalls, causes the tears to start streaming down my face, I cry silent tears all the way to work.

Scene Three:

My one aunt has extremely severe Cerebral Palsy with Dystonai, we’ve just come back from a day out at the Waterfront where she’s been stared at constantly, whispered about and laughed and pointed at while I fed her lunch at one of the waters front restaurants. We need to rush back from our lunch because she swims for our National Disabled Team, she has swimming training. We get back to her house, she asks me to please help her get into her bathing suite before the transport arrives to take her to training. I ask her what I need to do, she jerks and spasms uncontrollably, so I have no idea how on earth I’m going to get her into the Speedo swimsuit. She asks me to roll the swimsuit up and put it down on the floor, I then have to pull her up out of her wheel chair and position her on the floor with her feet near the leg openings of her swimsuit. She then proceeds to spend quite sometime wriggling about on the floor, all the while spasming and jerking uncontrollably until finally she’s in the swimsuit. Her transport arrives, I leave, I cry all the way home so inspired and yet saddened by her struggle.

I have so many many many memories like this, large chunks of my memories are these types of memories, people going about their daily lives, overcoming some kind of struggle along the way, not allowing circumstance to hold them back or get me down. I guess some would say I’m over sensitive, I know my family refer to me as “the bleeding heart”. I can’t stand to see others struggle, I feel, at times, overwhelmed by my good fortune.

Its for this reason that supporting charity is so important to me, giving whenever I can, my father always taught me me the importance of trying to make a difference, of offering what we can, of helping where we can, I guess its really rubbed off on me.

So for those of you who live in South Africa, if you’re in a position to help, please go to: The Princess Project and see if there’s anything you can do to help.

Look How Cute She’s Getting!

My baby girl started eating solids & apparently loving it. The breeder also says she has a very outgoing personality & is not shy at all! Look how pretty she’s gotten, I really love the colour of her eyes & hope they stay like this!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Get my handsome little boy this weekend & I can’t wait! Watch this space for loads of photo’s I’m sure!

The Irony Of Timing

This week is a pretty tough week for me, fertility wise. Been dealing with a barrage of pregnancy announcements and babies popping out everywhere. Don’t get me wrong, its not that I’m not thrilled for all the pregnancy news or for the baby arrivals, its just that this week if full of what should have been’s for me.

What should have been… we should be planning our babies second birthday party, we should be celebrating our child’s second birthday. I try not to dwell on the coulda/shoulda been’s… it hurts too much, makes me too sad. But there are way to many reminders of what could have/should have been this week.

Its also hard for me to know that its been almost 3 years since my last pregnancy, I know its not inconceivable that it could happen again, but right now its quite hard to believe, its been soooooo long.

I’m looking forward to having this week over with, to getting to the weekend and fetching my one puppy, at least I’ll have something to distract me from the could have/should have been’s…………

Barking Mad

You all know how I’m a sucker for a cause? I’m all about social responsibility and supporting charities. With this in mind, please can I ask each and everyone of you, even those of you just lurking here, to please head on over to Barking Mad webiste and click on this button: 

 

 

Lets see how many bowls of food we can donate today????

Anniversaries & Name Changes

My blogs one year anniversary past without me even noticing it! I can’t believe its been a year since I got the notion to start a blog to diarize my thoughts & feelings (hahahaha) on my infertility journey & our plans to emigrate. But on the 22 June 2008, I sat down and started creating this blog.

A lot has changed & a lot has stayed exactly the same in the past year. Our plans to emigrate have been permanently put on hold, so that’s a change, but the one thing that has remained the same is that the thing I was seeking when I started this blog a year go, we’re still childless, I’m still yearning for a child, I’m still lost in terms of my infertility journey, but this blog has morphed into something so much bigger than I ever could have imagined.

Its become a carthatic writing project, its something I love dearly and has become a big part of my life, it has taught me to think and feel through this journey and then to, as eloquently as possible, put those thoughts & feelings into words in a hope of garnering some strength and understanding of it all.

I’ve “met” some amazing people through my little spot on the web, people who’s journeys, thoughts & feelings have enriched my life in ways I could never have imagined. I’ve also “met” some truly horrible people here as well, people who’s lives are dominated by bitterness & hatred but who’ve also taught me a valuable lesson, that I won’t go through life liking everyone or having everyone like me, and that’s ok. I’ve learned to understand that childish little rhyme – stick & stones my break my bones, but names can never harm me. I’ve gained insight in the lives, thoughts & feelings of others, I’ve come to a greater understanding of what being human in all its beauty and ugliness is.

My blog currently comprises 343 posts, 3619 comments and has recorded over 81 000 hits. Its come a long way in the past year and so it seemed fitting that the name be changed. The Not So Secret Life Of Us seems some how immature and shallow in comparison to what this blog has become to me and so the name has been changed to Mindful Meandering. I think a name that is more fitting of the kind of thought that goes into this blog and so many other blogs out there. If you have my blog listed in your blogroll, please could you change the name to Mindful Meandering.

Here’s to another year of fruitful blogging!