There Is Something Bothering Me…

And as this is probably the only place I have where I can vent without fear of repercussions, forgive me while I indulge in a big fat bitch session. I have to do this, I don’t cope well with anger when I can’t express it outwardly. I’m a very bad actress and if I’m pissed off with you, trust me you’ll know, if you’ve done something to upset me, I’ll tell you, its just how I am, I’m very bad at keeping quiet for the sake at keeping the peace.

But this is one of those cases where I have to be, because the person invovled works with me and there has already been drama surrounding this specific individual, so I have to, for the sake of keeping the peace, shut my mouth and suck it up, something I’m so bad at that I can feel it eating at me inside! Its all I thought about last night, I couldn’t sleep and its all i thought about this morning while getting ready for work!

How do you react if somebody insults your husband? Do you also feel that you want to fly our of your chair and punch them on the nose till it bleeds? For those of you reading who are not from South Africa, let me give you some back ground, South Africa is supposedly the rainbow nation, we have people of every colour, creed and culture living here. We’re a total mish mash of everything and although it makes life interesting, it can also really bring out the ugliness in some people. We have 11 official languages, two of which are spoken by just about everybody in this country. One being English, obviously originating from England and one being Afrikaans which originates from the Dutch settlers here in the 17th Century. Its so odd, that although we live in rainbow nation, there are so many prejudices, including between the English and Afrikaans populations.

Let me explain, as an English woman married to an Afrikaans man, W and I have really gotten to see both sides of the coin here, neither one of us is properly English or Afrikaans anymore, and when I say that I don’t just refer to our languages, I also refer to our cultures. We’re a real mixture. But what always surprises me is that prejudices don’t only exist between various races, but also exist between various cultures, even when the race is the same.

The one thing that makes me see red and want to go absolutely wild is the notion that some, not all, but some English people have that Afrikaans men are all bullies who beat their wives, have no respect for women, are full of hatred for other races and are basically just pigs who go around only thinking of themselves and their own needs and having no respect for others.  Yesterday, I yet again had to sit and listen while this ignoramus in my office, who knows I have an Afrikaans surname made a comment about “typical Afrikaaner men who treat their wives like crap”. I told said individual yesterday that he should really think before he makes statements like that. That I’ve been married twice in my life, first time to an Englishman who was a bully and an abuser and the second time to the gentles, most loving, most respectful Afrikaans man and that I found his statement insulting. Do you know what he had the audacity to turn around and say to me?

Not “I’m sorry Sharon, that was a really stupid statement to make and I know it was an unfair generalization”

He said: “You should count yourself as one of the few lucky ones married to an Afrikaans man!!!”

I swear I had to stop myself from jumping out of my seat and punching him with all my might straight in the face. To insult my beautiful husband in that way is totally unacceptable to me. In addition, many of my friends and obviously my extended family are Afrikaans and I can honestly say, they are the most loving and respectful people I have ever met. How dare he think he can make such a statement and then just walk away with out an apology.

Ok, this vent session hasn’t really helped, I still want to slap is stupid ignorant face every time I see him, I guess I’ll have to figure out another way to try and get over it.

P.S. for those of you who are regular readers, you may have noticed that my blog’s theme has changed again, what can I say, I bore easily!!!!

I Had An Epiphany - I’m Veteran Barbie!

I’m on CD26 today, have not POAS, squeezed my boobs till they hurt, got excited over the mild bout of nausea experienced on Sunday or thought anything odd about the fact that I’ve been so tired the last few days I just want to sleep.

In fact, I couldn’t careless about POAS, I have accepted that HPT’s are designed to drive infertile women crazy and will no longer allow myself to give in to their allure, I know that the level of sensitivity of my boobs is nothing more than them having a good laugh at me, I know that the reason for my nausea on Sunday was as a result of a 13 hour car drive coupled with the copious amounts of “pad kos” (road food) consumed during that 13 hour drive. I also know that the reason for my extreme exhaustion is a mixture of raw emotions from leaving my Boo combined with just way too much fun on my short vacation last week.

I just realized it, I’m a Veteran Barbie! Now, for starters you’re halfway to being a Veteran Barbie if you know what all my abbreviations are above and can relate to my totally nonchalant attitude regarding my 2ww, if you don’t, Chances are you’re Newbie or Joiner Barbie. Don’t know what a Veteran/Newbie/Joiner Barbie are? Then chances are you haven’t read one of the greatest books ever written by one of our fellow IF sisters, Tertia. If you haven’t read So Close I’d highly recommend it, I have never read a book in one day or cried so much while reading a book and yet been able to relate to almost every situation being described in the book.

Anyway, to find out more about the different types of IF Barbie, then go here. I read about the various types of IF Barbie years ago and found it hard to imagine what it must be like to be Veteran Barbie, but this morning I realized I AM Veteran Barbie. Veteran Barbie is NOT about how many IVF’s you’ve had, she’s NOT about how many treatments/procedures/miscarriages you’ve had. She’s totally about attitude, she is a survivor with a survivors attitude, sometimes jaded and cynical, but mostly up beat and positive, despite her situation. This is how Tertia described her:

Veteran Barbie:
Veteran Barbies are not at all related to the Barbies above. Veteran Barbies are the Anti-Barbie. They are a whole lot plumper than the Newbie Barbies, less perky (in boobs and attitude), have grayer hair, a largely negative and over-drawn bank balance, plenty of bruises and marks and a slightly cynical attitude. They are dressed in comfy track pants with elasticated waistbands. Their accessories include a wealth of knowledge of reproductive procedures and protocol, the ability to practically do their own cycle, a snarky attitude, little tolerance for stupidity, a well defined sense of humor, the ability to laugh at themselves, a fondness for wine/beer/crack and a aversion to pineapple, baby dust and Newbie Barbies. This aversion in its more severe form can be allergic and acerbic. Veteran Barbies tend to swear quite a bit (especially when playing in the Barbie House with Newbie Barbies and Pregnant Newbie Barbies) and parental guidance is advised.

 

Me, plumper? Check

Me, less perky in boobs and positive attitude towards treatment? Double check

Ok, I dont’ have the gray hairs, but I think that’s due to a combination of good genes and being a blonde, they’re harder to notice.

Me, negative and over-drawn bank balance? Check! Still trying to recover from the R300K spent in the last 4 years of treatment.

Me, bruised and marked? Check, both physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually.

I can even relate to Veteran Barbie’s wardrobe, after all, its extremely important when going for a scan that you are wearing pants and a pair of knickers that can quickly be ripped off, and yanked back on again. Comfort is extremely important when walking around with ovaries so swollen it feels like they may burst open. And yes, sometimes I feel like I’m practically a qualified RE myself, I reckon I could give myself scans, perhaps just need to be a bit more supple to use the dildo stick and check the screen at the same time, but hell, I know what’s going on on that screen. I also know how to interpret my own blood test results.  Do I have a sense of humour about it all? Hell yes, after years of disappointment and heart ache I’ve learnt that I have two choices, I can either sit around and cry and feel sorry for myself which is not going to get me anywhere and just make me miserable or I can just laugh it off and keep moving ahead. I have definitely rekindled my love of wine, something I thought I’d lost somewhere during my mid 20’s, its return with great gusto in my mid 30’s, in fact I reckon I could teach a few 20 year olds a thing or two about a good party these days. I cringe when I hear the word baby dust and I do find newbie barbie and pregnant newbie barbie trying on my patience. I guess mostly because they’re so shiny and new and full of optimism, something I lost along the way to becoming Veteran Barbie.

But you know what? Veteran Barbie is actually a really cool chic! She’s loves a good party, can always be relied on for a quick sarcastic comeback, stands by her friends regardless of where they are on their IF journeys and will go out of her way to offer support, even the times when it may hurt her hardened heart just a little bit.

I realized this morning that somehow, someway over the past few months, I have been released from the heavy burden that infertility had placed on my life. I have somehow managed to take my infertility, put it into a small box and pack it away on a high shelf somewhere. I’m happy and I feel free for the first time in years. And with that I have also been set free from some of the emotions I hated the most - anger, jealousy, envy, fear, they no longer have any hold on my life!

So begone with you HPT’s, to hell with you deceitful sore boobs, I’m a Proud Veteran Barbie and you will NO LONGER have any control over me!

Home - Finally An Update

Did you miss me? I know some of you definitley did, thanks to everyone who sent me emails wondering how I was and why I was so quiet on my blog. No, I’m not bored of blogging, not yet anyway, I still have far too much going on inside my head and far to much to talk about to be bored just yet.

To be honest, I haven’t blogged in a few days quite simply because I have just not had the time! The last few days of my vacation were some what hectic, so here is a quick overview and a picture update:

Thursday evening I went two dinner with two girlfriends. One is my BFF, we’ve known each other about 18 years, were roomates at college and have been very close ever since. The other friend is an old school friend who I’ve know since 1984, but we haven’t seen each other in about 19 years. So as you can imagine, it was quite a catch up session! Being three women alone in a resturantwas also interesting, the waiters paid extra care with us, took us to the back to show us the special Sand Ovens that had for preparing the food and even sent the North Indian and Pakistanie Chefs out to come and introduce themselves and make suggestions in terms of our food choices. We had a great time!

 On Friday morning, I had to race off to the airport at the crack of dawn to collect W as he flew back from Jo’burgto join me for the weekend in Cape Town. The weather was terrible on Friday, the only horrible day all week, it was overcast and rainy and the wind was blowing and cold. But being the positive people we are, we agreed to think of it as good practise for when we move to NZ! On Friday for lunch we went with my Mom and Dad to Mariners Warf where we had delicious prawns for lunch.

Here is the view from Mariners Warf.

On Friday evening we went on a bit of a party with my cousin and a couple of friends. We wound up having dinner at Pirates, which on the outside looks like a total dive, but the food was excellent and the live band was great fun!

 

On Saturday was the event both W and I have been looking forward to for weeks, we all got kitted in our Springbok rugby jerseys and off we went to Newlandsto watch what would be quite possibly the worst Springbok performance against the All Blacks ever. But we still had loads of fun screaming and shouting and of course, armed with my binoculars, I managed to get a good eyeful of all th eye candy!

Here we are with my parents sitting in the box at Newlands, looking pretty damn disgusted by the poor performance of our team!

All Blacks to the Haka!

Yesterday was terrible saying goodbye to My Boo! Both W and I had a good cry in the car after we drove away. I know this is the best thing for her, but it really broke my heart leaving her behind. My parents have reported that she seems to be fine, is eating well and aside from being a bit restless last night seems to be suffering no effects of longing for us, which is good. She’s having a great time there and my mother is spoiling her rotten, even allowing her to lick out pots and plates before they get sterilized in the dishwasher, which is something she was NEVER allowed to do with us.

The bonus about being away for the past week was that I’ve not had a spare second to think about my 2ww, AF is 3 days away, and I’m proud to say that my Home Pregnancy test addiction/obsession has not had a chance to kick in at all! I have NOT POAS once and hopefully will stay that way.

Hopefully I will get a chance in the next couple of days to catch up on all of you blogs as well. Thanks again for all your thoughts and well wishes!!!

6 Random Things About Me!

Ok, so I got tagged, I LOVE getting tagged! I love blogging, although I’m still a newbie, I am totally hooked and I just love these tag games!

So, I got tagged by Sam!

Here are the rules to the tag game:

1. Link to the person who tagged you - check!

2. Post the rules to your blog - check!

3. Write 6 random things about myself - thinking of those - half check…. and now check!

4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them - check!

5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog. check!

6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted. check!

So Here are my 6 Random Things:

1. I’ve spent the last 20 odd years believing I was 5′10 inches tall, that my Dad was 5′8 inches and my Mom was 5″6 inches. I recently discovered that we’re in fact, all a lot shorter than we thought and that I’m only 5″8inches (176cm) tall. In fact I’m not tall at all, I’m pretty darn average in height, my passport does not even contain the correct information about me!

2. I hate it when people put there feet on me. Isn’t that just ridiculous, I absolutely grill (gross out) when people put the bottom of their feet on me, even my husband is not allowed to put his feet on me when we lie in bed at night!

3. I have slightly OCD hygiene issues. I cannot stand public bathrooms, and have the need to wash my hands regularly, we have bottles of liquid soap and waterless hand sanitizer everywhere in our house, I also carry alcohol based wet wipes for wiping toilet seats and hand sanitizer in my bag because the thought of having to use a public toilet or touch something dirty freaks me out.

4. I’m terrified of the dark. I mean absolutely terrified, like can’t turn the light out after a scary movie kind of scared and as a result I don’t like sleeping in hotels or strange places or even over at friends houses!

5. I have seen ghost before, that really freaked me out. We had dinner at a friends house, I was sitting on the couch with my husband and had my back to the open door. I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up and I turned around and there was an old woman standing in the door way, when I turned back into the room my friends husband was also looking at the old woman, then he looked at me and said: “You also saw that!” Neither my husband or his wife had seen the old woman.

6. I have very low self esteem and I’m extremely shy. I find large social engagements extremely nerve wrecking and will automatically assume if somebody is slightly quiet around me that it must be that they can’t stand me.  I also have this thing, because of low self esteem that I’m very butch looking and I’m always terrified that people won’t think I’m feminine, now, can you imagine what not being able to have a baby had done for me?

Ok, so now for me to tag:

A Maybe Story - so now you’ve definitely been tagged!

Charne

 Monica

Cynthia

Sian

Sweetpea

Can’t wait to hear your random facts!

Somebody Special

I want to introduce you to somebody special. I didn’t realize how special he was till today. I didn’t realize he cared so much for me till today. Its surprising just how much he cares when you consider he hasn’t seen me in about 20 years. The last time he saw me, I was a gangly, angry teenager. Since he heard I was coming to Cape Town, he has hounded my family asking where I am, when am I coming, he can’t wait to see me. On Saturday he hung out at my parents until late, waiting impatiently for me to arrive from Jo’burg so he could see me, here he is, this is Nelson:

Nelson is my parents gardener. He worked for my parents for years when I was a child growing up, when I was about 17, his wife left him and he lost the plot a bit and disappeared. We hadn’t seen him or heard from him in almost 20 years, when somehow, someway he managed to make contact with my Dad about 6 months ago and has been working for my parents again since then.  It was so cool to see him this morning after so many years, he hasn’t changed one bit and still looks exactly the same. He was so chuffed when I asked him this morning if I may take his photo, standing out there in his garden clothes, and it was so touching to see how happy he was to see me this morning.

My parents maid, Maria, has also worked for them since I was about 13 years old, I’m so disappointed I won’t get to see her and say goodbye. She’s been diagnosed with breast cancer and had a double mastectomy 3 weeks ago. She’s also been influential in mine and my brothers lives, always looking out for us, almost like a second Mom.

I’m so grateful to have had this opportunity to be here by myself and say goodbye to some of the special people in my life. This week has also been good for W and I as I’ve been missing him like crazy and get the distinct impression that the feeling is mutual. Can’t wait to fetch him from the airport tomorrow.

Same Old Same Old

Every visit I have had with my family over the past three and a half years has had the same theme, there have been two people who have upended my special time with my parents and managed to turn the precious little time I have with my folks into something I don’t really want to be a part of.

I don’t want to dredge up ancient history, besides, the stories I can tell you are so ridiculous they’re laughable and embarrassing. But it feels like they’re never going away…..

Today is a case in point, we woke up early this morning, after my mother was up half the night from anxiety caused by my brother. As we came down the stairs, their was a knock on the front door and there he stood. A “friend” of my brothers, they met in rehab about a year and a half ago. I thought my brother was screwed up, but this guy takes the cake. He is bipolar and battles clinical depression and is heroin addict. His family live in Thailand and Sweden.

I know what’s coming, the special day my cousin and I planned with my mother is going to be ruined, the shopping spree and lunch we were all going to have together is not going to happen. I’m I selfish for being so pissed off that when I came down the stairs and saw him, I wanted to turn around, go straight upstairs, pack my suitcase and leave…

All I want is one week with my parents without drama, other people’s drama, I have enough drama in my life without having to deal with this shit on top of everything else. I don’t want to make my mother feel guilty, but when she came to me just now and said she thinks she needs to stay at home today, I couldn’t stop myself from saying I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.

Addiction and mental illness is a strange beast, sometimes I think the people surrounding the addicted and mentally unwell suffer more than the inflicted individual. I feel I have sacrifed more than my brother because of his illness.

I feel so guilty for feeling this way but I just wish it could all end, I’m so tired of having my needs pushed aside because of them.

Reasons To Run - Some Entertainment!

Ok, so some of these are not actually jokes, in fact some of these are quite serious, but when you live in South Africa, you not only require nerves of steel but a really good sense of humour and ability to laugh at yourself and more importantly some of the brilliance that surrounds us!

Good night around the world

HOLLAND: Goeden nagt
AUSTRALIA: Night Mate
USA: G‘nite
DUITSLAND: Släfin si wöl

SOUTH AFRICA:Are the doors locked, are the windows closed?

 

Did you pull in the car and activate the alarm? 

Are the Rottweilers on their post?

 Sleep tight, don’t worry, Eskom will switch off the lights! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And now, for the one that is in fact not a joke, but I couldn’t resist having a giggle at the ridiculousness of this, the government has come up with a plan to stop hijackings, we should stop buying cars!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Things I Know For Certain - Part II

Cousin - do you want a whiskey?

Me - no I don’t drink whiskey.

Cousin - ok, what would you like to drink, we need a drink, we need a serious conversation!

Me (nervously) - oh, what do we need to talk about that’s so serious?

Cousin - about me, carrying a baby for you…….

That’s how the conversation went last night, late last night, after a couple of bottles of wine. After spending an afternoon with my cousin and a few friends and all of their 4 & 5 year old children. After everybody had left, she dropped that bomb on me.

Would I do it? I don’t know, can I say not right now? Can I say I’m not sure, can I think about it? Without sounding ungrateful. Well thats what I said anyway. Because I don’t know anymore, I don’t know if its really what I want anymore. All I do know is that I realize last night that my cousin is the sister I never had. That the love she has for me is so complete that she would, despite the fact that she hated being pregnant and hated giving birth, offer her uterus to me.

In fact, she is prepared to take it a step further, when during our discussion last night, I explained to her that after last year, I can never go through all the unpleasant injections and drugs and egg retrievals ever again. Her response was: Ok, lets turkey baste then, use my eggs with your husbands sperm!!!

I am so touched that somebody would be willing to do that for me. I’ve said it before, I said it last night and I’ll say it again here, on some levels I’m grateful for the lessons that infertility has taught me, because one of the lessons is just how loved I am by those that know me.

Mel’s Show And Tell: Cape Town Road Trip

 

So W and I arrived in Cape Town last night, after a 13 hour (1400KM) drive from Johannesburg. Chyna was a little angel, she slept most of the way and when she was awake, she was happy to lie with her face pressed between the arm rests so that she could see what we were up to:

 

 The drive is long, and not always very interesting, but at times strikingly different and beautiful, here are some of the images captured along the way:

The open road the the Karoo semi dessert:

 

 

 

Once into the Western Cape, you enter the Hex River valley, which is so beautiful and where some of our lovely local wines and fruits come from:

The mountains were all covered in a dusting of snow.

So I’m here now. Chyna (My Boo) and my Mom and Dad’s dog are getting on ok. They’ve had one or two little scraps, but seem to have it all worked out now, so hopefully it stays that way. Now I can kick back and enjoy the rest of my week in Cape Town, watch this space for more photo’s to follow!

Reasons To Run - Its Getting Closer To Home!

At around 04h00 on Friday morning, I woke up with a terrible fright. There was an extremely loud bang that woke me out of a deep sleep. All the neighbourhood dogs started barking and the noise left me feeling anxious and scared. I lay awake, unable to go back to sleep and trying to convince myself that the loud bang was either imagined or a very unseasonal thunder storm.

Then while reading the news online today, I found this article:

ATM bombed in Boskruin

August 08 2008 at 09:19AM

Ten men bombed an ATM at the Boskruin shopping centre on the West Rand on Friday, Johannesburg police said.Spokesperson Captain Siphiwe Ndlovu said the men arrived at the centre at 4am and held two security guards at gunpoint. They then proceeded to bomb a Standard Bank ATM with explosives, took an undisclosed amount of money and fled the scene in two cars. No shots were fired, no injuries were reported and no arrests had been made. - Sapa

No wonder! This center is less than 1km away from my house!

My wonderful fertility specialist was also held up in his house over the weekend, with a gun to his head, in front of his family. The worst part is that this is the second time this has happened to him and his family. How much more of this terrorism must we take? When will our government admit that violence and crime our out of control in our own country, when will they start to do something to protect the people?